Excuse my Rant, and my French!

Take a look at Danyaal Hasan’s ‘contribution’ below and please check out his brilliant Blog @ http://writeofleft.wordpress.com/

rant
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Excuse my Rant, and my French!
Danyaal Hasan

So the Champions Trophy is over for Pakistan but the hangover continues. It feels like running out of tequila at a Shoaib Akhtar and Meera joint press conference. Oh God please no!

My problem isn’t the fact that we lost to a weakened New Zealand team, a country that plays its cricket on ‘Australian Football’ fields no less. My expectations were already surpassed having beaten India and almost Australia so the semi final was a bonus. It isn’t the ghastly batting display we put up either. We were due a reunion with normality and it came. It isn’t even Rana Naved and Umar Gul’s bowling, which incidentally could benefit respectively from going back to bald and retiring to T20. And it definitely isn’t the umpiring. If we refer Umar Akmal’s decision to the third umpire then we do the same with Suresh Raina’s a few days earlier. Decisions ultimately even out, just as they did here.

My problem instead is that in spite of all this we had an opportunity to win and Captain Happy dropped it. Can someone please explain to me how you drop something that Pamela Anderson could have bounced off both her silicone plated breasts and still catch in her belly button? My love hate relationship (purely plutonic) with Happy aside, this is a fuck up of such gigantic proportions that it puts the “venereal warts” incident to Hameed Dogar losing his pants shame.

To top it all, he is trying to incriminate the broken finger? To quote Happy, “This is life. It’s a matter of playing for the nation with a broken finger and that same finger, unfortunately, dropped the catch”. No you verbal diarrhea’d out moron. The ‘finger’ didn’t drop anything. You dropped it because you decided to catch the cricket ball like a dip shit. And this isn’t life. Life is female bombshells with tight arses, lesbian tendencies, and chocolate chip cookies, not hellish catastrophes.

And Happy, understand this also. If you are going to insist on being a dick then at least stop batting like a pussy. 2009 is nearly over. You have played 16 innings and only scored 2 fifties, averaging less than 25. You did fuck all this tournament and you’ve done just about that in your career so far. Grow a pair quickly and score some runs for your country.

Also while you’re at it, do the following:

(1) Feed Imran Nazir to either an alligator or Inti, who ever comes first. Either way, make sure you provide proof that he will never set foot in a cricket stadium again.
(2) Tell Umar Gul he is shit, over rated, and shit. 12 wickets in the last 10 ODIs. I rest my case.
(3) Go rent the movie Hancock and watch the scene where Will Smith shoves someone’s head into someone else’s ass. Now go do the same to Rana.
(4) Make some sense when you speak. If you know that there is no way you are going to accomplish this then just stick to smiling and praising God.

To rest of the cricket team I missed out on, apart from Mohammad Aamer and Umar Akmal, fuck you too! Also apart from Saeed Ajmal. You’re ok as well.

Rant over!

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11 comments

  1. Noor Rizvi · · Reply

    Danyaal … You’re a legend. Couldn’t have summed it up better.

  2. Dude, this kicks ass! Go Go Go! I call him “turtle” – ha ha!

  3. I totally understand (and share) the disappointment. However I feel that us Pakistanis have a tendency to get overly angry (and also overly happy) over things such as cricket. Not to state the obvious cliche, it is only a game!

    By comparison Australia – who ended up winning the Champions Trophy – had a miserable summer. They lost the Ashes to a weaker England side, the batting was average, and Mitchell Johnson (their star bowler) was worse than the description of Umar Gul provided in your rant. And you know what? They were all retained for the Champions Trophy and no one was calling for the wholesale execution of the Australian team.

    Yes you can argue that they are more disciplined, a better team, blah blah blah. But the point is that their nation stand behind them – when they win and especially when they lose.

    I personally, would love to see Pakistanis (myself included) do that more often. As I said after the match, finishing the tournament in the top 4 is better than being in the bottom four. If nothing else, you can take comfort by reminding our Indian friends about that!

  4. Unnecessary · · Reply

    One doesn’t neeed to use such profanity and vulgar language when getting their point across. The same opinions could be expressed without being so revolting.

  5. writeofleft · · Reply

    All thanks for the feedback and comments so far …

    @ Unnecessary: Firstly apologies. I appreciate that good writing does not need profanities to make the point. However, at times feelings need a healthy outlet. All of us are passionate about a lot of things and lets admit that passion does a lot of times boil over in “profanity”. Plus i genuinely thought a lot of people will connect to what I have written here be it a somewhat over the top summation of events. So to cut a long story short I hope today’s passionate diatribe has not totally put you off with my writing and that you do return for more “mature” installments like the ones that preceeded this rant.

    @ Shujah: Dude completely agree. We are guilty of this and take the point fully. I am also extremely proud of the team and what they have achieved over the last 6 months, albeit the dropped catch had me thinking again! Nonetheless hope that in some way, shape, or form you could connect with the feelings I tried to put down on paper … cause buddy it was a dolly that he spilled 🙂

    @ Faisal: “Turtle” … haha definitely !!
    @ Noor: “aap mahaan hain” … thanks

  6. Mian Mithu · · Reply

    What the hell?

  7. I really enjoyed the article…but totally agree with Shujah’s response.

  8. NZ play on rugby pitches in NZ apart from the Basin in Wellington which is a pure cricket ground. There are no Australian football grounds in NZ.

  9. Sheikh Mehwish · · Reply

    Hey Daniyal! Man, you’re such a typical emotional subcontinent cricket fanatic!

  10. WRITEOFLEFT · · Reply

    Ben – Oops! Duly noted. It seems Like Google has let me down or maybe I have let Google down? Not sure but either way, I rest my case. 🙂

    ps. New Zealand rocks as a cricket “TEAM”! I wish the Pakistan team had their team spirit!

  11. Arjun M · · Reply

    Danyaal – I agree it was a tough loss, one symbolic of most teams from the sub-continent, but take heart from the fact that your team at least made it to the semis…a team which is embroiled in political intervention, a p***y of a captain, internal fissures, corruption, etc. etc. thats more than you can say of the damn Indian team carrying the favorite tag who have been unceremoniously dumped out in the leage stages in both the T20 world cup and now this. May I suggest for your next article that you investigate why indian bowlers (aka munaf, pathan, ishant, you-name-it) start off in the 140k’s and then drop to the 120k’s (on a helpful pitch) within 12 months while pakistan continues to unearth bowlers who bowl at the same steady pace THROUGHOUT THEIR CAREERS?? Real analysis though – none of the cliches about money and advertisements and bollywood, etc.

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